Thursday Thirteen: Daddy's Hands....Adult Content!

Today's Thursday 13 courtesy of Sh*t My Dad Says:

*"No one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

*"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f*cked you."

*"The punk will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

*As told to the oldest punk, "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

*As said to the lil punk, "I'm sorry if your brother doesn't want you to play with his sh*t, then you can't play with it. It's his sh*t. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole- you just shouldn't use that right very often."

*"Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the f*ck would you put them on the counter next to real food? F*ck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this!"

*"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh*t."

*"They're offended? F*ck, sh*t, asshole, sh*tf*ck; they're just words...Fine. Sh*tf*ck isn't a word, but you get my point."

*Said to my brother, "Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."

*"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the sh*t's in someone else's pants."

*"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'f*cking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."

*"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

*"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being f*cking poetic."

And a bonus this was said to me, upon finding out I was pregnant with the oldest punk, "It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbsh*t. He knows how it works."

Wordless Wednesday

Who Let The Dog's Out........

You aren't looking for them but I found your dogs. Sigh. Obviously, no one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperament for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However.....

They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit." They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an under bite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniature version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them.

If these are your dogs, come on by, I'd like to kick your ass.