Thursday Thirteen: Daddy's Hands....Adult Content!

Today's Thursday 13 courtesy of Sh*t My Dad Says:

*"No one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

*"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f*cked you."

*"The punk will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

*As told to the oldest punk, "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

*As said to the lil punk, "I'm sorry if your brother doesn't want you to play with his sh*t, then you can't play with it. It's his sh*t. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole- you just shouldn't use that right very often."

*"Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the f*ck would you put them on the counter next to real food? F*ck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this!"

*"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh*t."

*"They're offended? F*ck, sh*t, asshole, sh*tf*ck; they're just words...Fine. Sh*tf*ck isn't a word, but you get my point."

*Said to my brother, "Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."

*"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the sh*t's in someone else's pants."

*"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'f*cking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."

*"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

*"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being f*cking poetic."

And a bonus this was said to me, upon finding out I was pregnant with the oldest punk, "It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbsh*t. He knows how it works."