Good Way To Get On My Bad Side

How many of you out there remember SNL's Cheri Oteri's character the pill lady? I used to crack up when those skits would come on! Well, this mornin at 3:57 a.m. (Yes, please note the time and I was actually in bed for once!), my next door neighbor wandered up the driveway and found herself ringin the Redneck Princesses doorbell. The light was off and I couldn't see anyone through the peephole. Then suddenly an eye with some kind of crayola scrawled eyebrow looming over a bloodshot eye peered back at me.

I really did not know what to think. I had heard stories but had never met 'Crackhead Amanda' until tonight. She lives directly north of our place. I say ours because, honestly, somedays I feel lucky that the punks even let me live here. Anyway, it was a memorable meetin to say the least. Amanda introduced herself and asked if I had a box of macaroni and cheese she could "borrow". I told her to hold on and went to look in the pantry (I confess, I didn't want her in my house, so sue me!). As I grabbed a box to take to Amanda, I heard my front storm door open. As I rounded the corner from the living room into the entry hall, in steps, Amanda.

I know it sounds cruel but I laughed. This woman is totally crackish! I don't even know if a blow by blow description could do this lady (and I use that term very loosely!) justice but I'll give it the old college try. Her eyebrow's looked like drawn on caterpillar's in very dark black kohl and they were very uneven and crooked. Amanda's eyes wouldn't have been memorable except they were so bloodshot they looked like a stop light (literally). She no longer had lipstick on her lips. It was smeared across her left cheek, with the back of her hand (the rest of the RED lipstick was all over the back of her left hand). Her hair (trailer trash bleach blonde including 3 inch long black roots) looked as if it hadn't been brushed for days with the exception of her bangs, which were gathered up into one lone Velcro roller at the top of her head. She had on a wife beater that was as filthy as her house shoes and daisy duke shorts with an ankle length fox coat when it was almost sweltering outside. In short, this "Amanda" person was messed up. . . . FUBAR-ed (hence the neighborhood nickname 'Crackhead Amanda')! It was so sad and funny- all at the same time.

Amanda proceeds to tell me, "that Bastard Ron, does something to my car so I can't drive while he's at work." She then goes on a rant about how "she is under appreciated and that one day she will find a man that will love her for her." I didn't have the hear to tell her that Ron was probably that guy, after all any man that can put up with that crap deserves a medal as far as I am concerned. It also brought the question to mind if a woman like Amanda has a decent man (and he's cute, I've seen him). . . .what am I chopped liver? I guess the question is, "What the hell is wrong with people today?" Has the desire to live honest, integrity filled lives just disappeared? Or must one be totally out of their ever loving mind and prefer to live a stoned exsistence?

I, by no means, am perfect. Close but I digress. Are people just so into themselves, their own pursuit of happiness, and their own twisted thought processes that they never take into consideration that they touch and affect another person's life? Are they so zoned out on a multitude of pharmacopia that they simply are unaware that it's four o'clock in the freakin morning?

So Beware. . . . Emotional Vampires, Crackheads, Drama Queens (both female and male....Yes, they do exist!) and Friday Night Whores, sell that warped crap somewhere else, cause the Redneck Princess ain't buyin! We're all out of crazy here. . . .